On the eve of my 8th wedding anniversary with my husband, I’m realizing in this wonderful wedding industry, we constantly talk about “weddings” but we rarely talk about “marriage”. There is so much focus on having the perfect wedding day but the hard stuff of what makes a long and successful marriage is a whole other enchilada.
I’m not the TMI type at all, especially over social media, but I do feel compelled (or almost a responsibility?) to share our story just in case it helps anyone else out there. I’ve noticed a boom of “getting real” in the infertility and baby/postpartum space but I haven’t seen much in the way of “getting real” about marriage. So if you care to read, here I go.
This past year has been a really, really tough year for my husband and I. There wasn’t infidelity or any other major life event that sparked it. It was just the slow boil of two people who have been together for 10+ years sitting with their little bag of issues, busy with life and child rearing and slowly but slowly growing further and further apart. Without the feeling of connection we struggled to feel a sense of camaraderie with each other and we became more and more isolated in our feelings and our personal struggles. We found ourselves arguing over the littlest of things and living in a state of defensiveness. It wasn’t any fun and we both definitely thought about what it would be like to just throw in the towel and start over with someone new.
Enter EFT- Emotionally Focused Therapy.
I can’t speak for all EFT therapists but ours has proven a godsend. For the past few months we’ve been putting in the hard work of going every week, we’ve been digging DEEP and we’ve been pushing ourselves to push past the hard battle of getting real with ourselves. We’ve emotionally opened up to each other again and I know for certain we’re closer and stronger than we’ve ever been. I guess it had to get harder before it got better. But we’ve truly made personal transformations and we’ve definitely transformed together as a couple. I don’t know where we’d be if we hadn’t admitted it was time to break out the big guns and get some help. I’m so glad we did because we really meant our vows and the promise we made to each other.
All this is to say, if you’re having a hard time in your marriage there’s no shame in that and trust me, you are not alone. And if it always looks wonderful over social media trust me, it’s not. I remember having a drink with a friend who was crying about how she didn’t love her husband anymore and needed a divorce only to see her put up a series of gushing posts about him on Facebook and Instagram the next day.
So- for those already married, stay strong and dig deep. The struggle IS absolutely 100% worth it. For those of you planning your wedding, I hope you have an absolutely beautiful and magical day. You deserve the celebration and should make it as grand and gorgeous as your heart desires. Just promise yourself that you’ll put the same amount of care and energy into your marriage as you do your wedding.
Love to all.